By Brian Viner
Published: 14:42 EST, 1 May 2014 | Updated: 16:05 EST, 1 May 2014
Pompeii (12A)
Verdict: Where's Frankie Howerd when you need him?
Rating: 
PompeiiI is a rather different tale of civic pride, set — as you might have guessed — in AD79, with the good citizens of Pompeii planning a reconstruction project (oh, the irony) that will show those rotters in Rome a thing or two.
I kept waiting for them to shout 'Up Pompeii!' but they didn't, alas. Which was a shame; this film is altogether silly enough for Frankie Howerd to make a ghostly appearance.
Shouldn't you be running from the volcano, not fighting? Kit Harington is distracted from the ashes
Anyway, caught up in the fierce city rivalry is Milo, a Celtic slave forced to become a gladiator.
He is played by Kit Harrington, who incidentally is one of three Game of Thrones alumni in this week's releases (along with Alfie Allen in Plastic, and Nicolaj Coster-Waldau in A Thousand Times Good Night).
Casting directors know a good thing when they see one.
Despite being only knee-high to the average statue of Jupiter, Milo catches the eye of Cassia (Emily Browning), privileged daughter of Pompeii's ruler.
She keeps rejecting the advances of cruel senator Corvus (a hammy Kiefer Sutherland), which he doesn't like much, and Milo doesn't like him, because Corvus had his entire family slaughtered back in northern Britannia.
With all this happening, there's hardly room for a volcanic eruption, but that doesn't stop director Paul W.S. Anderson from making it the biggest, bangiest eruption you've ever seen, like ten atomic bombs going off.
'Is this the end of the world,' says Cassia, which is a fair assumption, but unfortunately Browning, while indubitably beautiful, can't act very well. She sounds like a varsity netball player after a heavy defeat.
Tarzan (PG)
Verdict: Aaahaaahaaagh!
★✩✩✩✩
There is more poor acting in Tarzan, which is quite a feat in an animation.
And why the German production team felt the need to spice up the story of a boy who grows up to become 'king of the jungle' with an even more improbable tale involving a meteorite and a lost world is frankly anybody's guess.
On the up side, the gorillas look terrific.
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